By: Merne S. Natividad
“…but ma’am, I want my mother’s hug more than the money she sends me from Chicago each month. I am having difficulty with my friends now and I miss my mama’s counsel…I think I am pregnant too…I miss my best friend. My dad is nowhere. I think he has a mistress…”
“…I got hooked on shabu a month after my father left for Qatar to work there ma’am. My grades are no better than an idiot’s. I don’t like going home because my mom is always shouting at my younger sisters. She’s alone raising us. I wish my father came home. We don’t really need money. We used to be happy. There’s always public school…”
These are some disclosures from the many college students whom I have counseled through the different difficulties they experienced as they tried to adjust to a life with an absentee parent.
It is sad that the payoff for working outside of the Philippines for a parent who only wants to give the best to his children brings more harm than good. I cannot utter more distinctly why I have said this. Every Filipino knows what this portrays. This is an unassailable fact.
In the beginning, there is excitement. A parent goes off to work in a more lucrative place. Earning in dollars is seen as the key to ensuring a bright and successful future for the children left at home. Visions of the future flashes through before one’s eye like painted caricatures depicting a “better life”. Children’s tuition paid-off, branded clothes and shoes, and the house looks exactly like the ones from real estate advertisements.
Everything is laid out very nicely and successfully. No need has ever been thwarted when a child has a dollar-earning parent. Tangible needs, that is. More money means more “meaning” to the family. More happiness. More fun. More. More. Of the good things.
However, as time passes the creeping loneliness sets in upon the child who is left behind. The price of leaving a family for better pay comes in a more insidious fashion. The first months are difficult because loneliness sets in. As a parent tries his best to swallow every lump of tearful longing to be home the child he has left behind has to displace his yearning for a parent’s physical presence. A child always finds sanctuary in a parent’s physical presence. Take out this refuge and you might as well cut the umbilical cord from a fetus in a mother’s womb.
The setback begins when the need to fill up the gaping hole left by the lost sanctuary starts to set in. More unconsciously than otherwise, the child left behind starts to find another sanctuary. Another gap-filling-in-the-hole situation comes along figuratively, a child who seeks security, which obviously, the money of a parent working abroad can never fill in.
In all these years however, not one of my college counselees have been ungrateful for what a parent working abroad has given them. They are aware of how difficult it can be for their parents to temporarily cut their ties with them. These counselees are very appreciative of this loving deed a parent does for them. And yet, they are emotionally restless. They are lonely. Having counseled numerous college kids over the years, it makes me terribly sad, that a child gets lost because a parent is physically absent.
But the question still lies suspended in the air. What does a child whose parent is working abroad really need from a parent? I cannot answer, as I am not a parent. Of one thing I am certain though. In all these times, I have repeatedly seen that a child’s greater need is parental affection and not material things. The happiest college students I have encountered are those who are intimate with their parents. Those who get regular hugs from by their sanctuary, their parents.
*Merne Natividad is from the Department of Psychology and Guidance of Xavier University-Ateneo de Cagayan
Friday, August 17, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Spirituality of the Sea
by Kay
Peter Kreeft, Catholic Christian speaker and writer, talks about the Spirituality of the Sea. You can download his talk here.
Some excerpts from the audio:
An endnote:
We strongly recommend seafarers to download Christian audio resources and save them on mp3 players. You may play them in your private moments on board and may be of great help in deepening your faith while at sea. Peter Kreeft has more on his site for free.
Peter Kreeft, Catholic Christian speaker and writer, talks about the Spirituality of the Sea. You can download his talk here.
Some excerpts from the audio:
God, our hearts, and the sea: three inexhaustibles. No surfer in history has ever been heard to say: "Now I've had enough of waves." No lover will ever say, "Now I've had enough of her." And no saint will ever say, "Now I've had enough of God."...
When you live by the sea, everything changes, and the change is the same as when you believe in God: you are never alone. There is a Greater Presence next to you every minute. You have to take account of this Presence every day, at least unconsciously....You always have this large, unpredictable wild animal in your neighborhood. It's like having a 500-pound mother-in-law living in your back yard....
An endnote:
We strongly recommend seafarers to download Christian audio resources and save them on mp3 players. You may play them in your private moments on board and may be of great help in deepening your faith while at sea. Peter Kreeft has more on his site for free.
Loneliness at Sea
by Kay
Life at sea can be lonely and extremely difficult; it means being separated from our loved ones and isolated from everything else for months. Homesickness, burn-out and even boredom are just the tip of the iceberg, for often there are also regrets for missing birthdays and graduations, guilt for the fact that your work prevents you from really knowing who your family is and sometimes even bitter resentment that after a while you have become less of yourself and more of just a mere breadwinner.
True, this is the life that we have chosen freely and that there is also a sense of family among fellow seafarers. But remember that it is normal to feel alone and sad sometimes, even when you are surrounded by many people.
There are many different ways to deal with loneliness at sea. Some distract themselves: working hard and harder so as not to attend to the loneliness, entertaining one's self with camaraderie and music, or thinking of the many creative ways one can spend free time on board. All of these are well and good, and with the amount of time spent at sea, it is good if a seafarer is aware of the moments of loneliness in him, and exert the effort to snap himself out of it.
But it is also good once in a while to accept the loneliness and sadness rather than be distracted by it. One need not wallow in these negative emotions, so much so that it affects one's work and relationships with other people, but there is a lot of merit to recognizing, acknowledging and accepting this loneliness.
A "lived" life doen not mean one no longer feels uncomfortable emotions. Instead living means being able to feel realistic emotions. That we get lonely and sad at sea only means that we are still people --- "tao pa tayo" --- and that we love our family and we miss them. If we try to repress these things we may become too hard on ourselves or too cynical.
A balance of two things can help us face loneliness better: (a) moments of solitude to recognize our feelings and (b) moments of reaching out to others.
Moments of Solitude:
It is okay to withdraw once in a while from others and just experience the loneliness. It is okay to cry too and be ourselves.
Solitude can offer us time for reflection on where we are right now and what is the meaning of our life experiences. By taking the moment to be alone with ourselves we can come to terms with the aspects of our situation that we need to change or mourn as loss. This solitude is not to torture oneself with what-could-have-been's , but rather to replenish our energy and be able to look at each day as a fresh start.
Solitude is also a means to get back into our spiritual life. Prayer is more than just conversation with God, it is being with God. It is being guided by His presence.
Moments of Reaching Out to Others:
It is helpful as well to have our fellow seafarers as our support group at sea. Moments of "real conversations" among peers can be a great help while at sea. Too often we talk about our problems in a joking manner or in a casual way. Too often too we do not develop the environment and atmosphere among our co-workers where we can relay that we are willing to listen in respectful silence.
But simple opportunities of being open to disclose one's self with our peers, without neccesarily feeling the need to solve each other's problems, can lift our burdens significantly.
Life at sea can be lonely and extremely difficult; it means being separated from our loved ones and isolated from everything else for months. Homesickness, burn-out and even boredom are just the tip of the iceberg, for often there are also regrets for missing birthdays and graduations, guilt for the fact that your work prevents you from really knowing who your family is and sometimes even bitter resentment that after a while you have become less of yourself and more of just a mere breadwinner.
True, this is the life that we have chosen freely and that there is also a sense of family among fellow seafarers. But remember that it is normal to feel alone and sad sometimes, even when you are surrounded by many people.
There are many different ways to deal with loneliness at sea. Some distract themselves: working hard and harder so as not to attend to the loneliness, entertaining one's self with camaraderie and music, or thinking of the many creative ways one can spend free time on board. All of these are well and good, and with the amount of time spent at sea, it is good if a seafarer is aware of the moments of loneliness in him, and exert the effort to snap himself out of it.
But it is also good once in a while to accept the loneliness and sadness rather than be distracted by it. One need not wallow in these negative emotions, so much so that it affects one's work and relationships with other people, but there is a lot of merit to recognizing, acknowledging and accepting this loneliness.
A "lived" life doen not mean one no longer feels uncomfortable emotions. Instead living means being able to feel realistic emotions. That we get lonely and sad at sea only means that we are still people --- "tao pa tayo" --- and that we love our family and we miss them. If we try to repress these things we may become too hard on ourselves or too cynical.
A balance of two things can help us face loneliness better: (a) moments of solitude to recognize our feelings and (b) moments of reaching out to others.
Moments of Solitude:
It is okay to withdraw once in a while from others and just experience the loneliness. It is okay to cry too and be ourselves.
Solitude can offer us time for reflection on where we are right now and what is the meaning of our life experiences. By taking the moment to be alone with ourselves we can come to terms with the aspects of our situation that we need to change or mourn as loss. This solitude is not to torture oneself with what-could-have-been's , but rather to replenish our energy and be able to look at each day as a fresh start.
Solitude is also a means to get back into our spiritual life. Prayer is more than just conversation with God, it is being with God. It is being guided by His presence.
Moments of Reaching Out to Others:
It is helpful as well to have our fellow seafarers as our support group at sea. Moments of "real conversations" among peers can be a great help while at sea. Too often we talk about our problems in a joking manner or in a casual way. Too often too we do not develop the environment and atmosphere among our co-workers where we can relay that we are willing to listen in respectful silence.
But simple opportunities of being open to disclose one's self with our peers, without neccesarily feeling the need to solve each other's problems, can lift our burdens significantly.
Tradisyon ng "Birthday Project"
ni Kay
Mahirap magdaos ng birthday celebration kung ang birthday celebrant ay wala sa ating piling!
Minsan natatapat ang birthday at iba pang okasyon tulad ng Father's/Mother's day o kaya ay mga anibersaryo ng ating kapamilyang seafarer, sa mga buwan kung kailan siya ay nasa dagat. Pero dahil sa tipikal na malambing ang mga Pilipino, maraming mga pamamaraan ang magagawa upang mapalalim ang mga okasyon na ito. Kung tutuusin, maaari pa ngang gawing oportunidad ang mga okasyon na ito upang magsimula ng isang malalim na tradisyon na magbubuklod sa mag-anak.
Iparamdam ang taos-pusong pagbati.
Sa simpleng paraan ng pagtawag sa kanila, maaari nating ipamalas ang ating pag-alala sa kanilang kaarawan. Maaari ring gamitin ang pagkakataon na ito upang sabihin ng bawat miyembro ng pamilya ang mga bagay na kanilang na-aappreciate sa may kaarawan. Halimbawa ay puwedeng gamitin ito ng mga anak upang maiparinig sa kanilang ama na sila ay nagpapasalamat sa kanyang pagtitiyaga na maghanapbuhay upang sila ay makapag-aral.
Maaari rin na gamitin ang okasyon upang imbitahin ang mga natatanging kaibigan ng inyong pamilya upang maraming pagbati ang ating maipabatid sa ating mahal sa buhay sa barko sa isang tawag. Ang ganitong gawain ay maaaring makabawas sa kalungkutan na kanyang nararamdaman at maging mas espesyal ang mensahe na kanyang maririnig.
Paggawa ng "Birthday Project."
Magandang tradisyon na umpisahan ng pamilya, lalo na habang bata pa ang mga anak, ay ang paggamit ng mga birthday ng seafarer upang panahon na gumawa ng isang proyekto kung saan magugunita ng buong pamilya ang nasa dagat. Ito ay makakatulong na maparamdam ang pagiging malapit ng pamilya sa isa't-isa.
Halimbawa ng proyekto ay paggawa ng "home-made" na card o streamer ng pagbati o di kaya ay pag-organisa ng simpleng presentation tulad ng sayaw o awit.
Bagamat simple lang ang mga bagay na ito, makakatulong ito na mapalalim ang ugnayan ng pamilya. Ito ay sa pamamagitan ng:
a. Ang tradisyon ng intensiyonal na pagsasantabi ng pamilya ng oras para sa seafarer bagamat wala siya ay makakatulong upang kahit sa emosyonal na larangan, buhay ang presensiya niya sa tahanan. Maganda itong tradisyon ng magbubuklod sa naiwang asawa at anak. Mayroon pang maaasahang surprise ang may birthday sa kaniyang pagbabalik na nakakataba ng puso lalo na kapag naiparamdam na personal ang pagbati at ang proyekto ay pinaghirapan.
b. Ang gawain din ng pag-brainstorm sa mga gustong proyektong gawin para sa nasa barko at pagkonsulta sa bawat isa ay tumutulong upang ang pangungulila ng naiwang pamilya ay maranasan ng sama-sama. Sadyang malungkot ang mawalay sa isa't-isa ngunit kung may pagdaramayan ang naiwang pamilya ito ay mababawasan. Maaaring gawing daan ang mga proyektong ito upang mapag-usapan ang mga pagka-miss ng bawat isa sa kanilang mahal sa buhay na seafarer.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Normal ba na magkaroon ng iba?
ni Kay
Si Lourdes, isang asawa ng marino ang may lungkot na nagsabi sa akin. "Alam ko naman na may mga babae ang asawa ko sa barko. Pero lalaki siya, may pangangailangan. Basta sa akin siya umuuwi, okay na 'yun."
Hindi na marahil iba sa atin ang makarinig ng mga biruan na ang kalalakihan ay iba ang pangangailangang seksuwal kaysa kababaihan. At kung sisiyasatin ay may katotohanan ito. Ang babae at lalaki ay nilikhang sadyang magkaiba--- di lamang sa pisikal na larangan kung hindi sa emosyonal na rin. Kailangan talaga ng pagkilala at paggalang sa mga pagkakaiba na ito upang mapalago ang isang ugnayan.
Ngunit ang ibig sabihin ba nito ay normal na magkaroon ang isang may-asawang seafarer (babae man o lalaki) o ang kanyang naiwan ng pisikal o emosyonal na relasyon sa iba?
"Ano ang pakiramdam mo sa ganitong sitwasyon?" aking tanong sa kanya.
"Malungkot, siyempre," ang kanyang tugon. "Pero tinanggap ko na lang. Ito kasi yung advice sa akin ng ibang asawa ng seaman. Basta intindihin ko na lang daw na palipas-oras lang sila, pero ako ang asawa."
Malalim ang sinabi ni Lourdes, at bakas sa kanyang mukha na ito ay isang bagay na mabigat sa kanyang kalooban. Sigurado ako, batay na rin sa aking mga karanasan sa pakikipag-usapan sa iba pang seafarer at kanilang mga asawa at anak, na ito ay di lamang kay Lourdes nangyayari. Ito ay problema ng seafarer o di kaya'y ng kanyang asawa, babae at lalaki.
Ang Tawag ng Buhay Mag-asawa
Ang Buhay Mag-asawa ay sadyang puno ng hamon. Ang mag-asawa nga na araw-araw ay nagkikita at nagkakaroon ng mga problema ukol sa damdamin ng pagkaulila at pagiging isa o loneliness. Lalo na siguro ang mga seafarer at ang kanyang asawa na minsan lamang sa isang taon kung magkita! Ito ay isang katotohanan na dapat harapin---- at tugunan sa akmang paraan.
Ang buhay mag-asawa na lumalago ay nakasalig sa ganap na pagbibigay ng sarili sa isa't isa. Ang ibig sabihin nito, sa pinakamalapit na relasyon ng pag-aasawa, nangangailangan ng pagbibigay ng iyong puso, diwa at katawan , at pagpapanatili ng buhay ang ugnayan sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Hindi natin maaaring hati-hatiin at sabihin na sa taong ito ko ibibigay ang 10% ng aking sarili at sa kanya naman ang 90%.
Sa pangmatagalan na pagtanaw, ang ganitong gawain ay kadalasang nakapagpapalayo sa mag-asawa. Minsan iniisip natin, mabuti na ang makipag-fling ako (o kaya ay siya) sa barko kaysa naman tuluyan na naming iwan ang isa't-isa. Subalit sa bawat desisyon natin na gawin ang mga fling na ito (a) may nababawas sa ating pagtingin sa ating commitment sa bawat isa, at (b) hindi natin natututunan ang mga kasanayan na dapat natin matutunan sa pagdala ng kalungkutan.
Ang halaga ng value clarification sa mag-asawa
Ang ugnayang mag-asawa ay maaaring patibayin o di kaya'y buwagin ng kalungkutan--- nasa atin na kung alin sa dalawa ang ating hahayaan na mangyari. Mahalaga na magtalaga ang mag-asawa ng panahon upang pag-usapan ano ang mga mahahalaga sa kanilang dalawa bago pa man magkahiwalay at ano ang kanilang inaasahan sa bawat isa. Ang ganitong pag-uusap ay isang paraan ng paglilinaw ng mga maaaring gawing tulong sa pagpapatibay ng pagsasama.
Si Lourdes, isang asawa ng marino ang may lungkot na nagsabi sa akin. "Alam ko naman na may mga babae ang asawa ko sa barko. Pero lalaki siya, may pangangailangan. Basta sa akin siya umuuwi, okay na 'yun."
Hindi na marahil iba sa atin ang makarinig ng mga biruan na ang kalalakihan ay iba ang pangangailangang seksuwal kaysa kababaihan. At kung sisiyasatin ay may katotohanan ito. Ang babae at lalaki ay nilikhang sadyang magkaiba--- di lamang sa pisikal na larangan kung hindi sa emosyonal na rin. Kailangan talaga ng pagkilala at paggalang sa mga pagkakaiba na ito upang mapalago ang isang ugnayan.
Ngunit ang ibig sabihin ba nito ay normal na magkaroon ang isang may-asawang seafarer (babae man o lalaki) o ang kanyang naiwan ng pisikal o emosyonal na relasyon sa iba?
"Ano ang pakiramdam mo sa ganitong sitwasyon?" aking tanong sa kanya.
"Malungkot, siyempre," ang kanyang tugon. "Pero tinanggap ko na lang. Ito kasi yung advice sa akin ng ibang asawa ng seaman. Basta intindihin ko na lang daw na palipas-oras lang sila, pero ako ang asawa."
Malalim ang sinabi ni Lourdes, at bakas sa kanyang mukha na ito ay isang bagay na mabigat sa kanyang kalooban. Sigurado ako, batay na rin sa aking mga karanasan sa pakikipag-usapan sa iba pang seafarer at kanilang mga asawa at anak, na ito ay di lamang kay Lourdes nangyayari. Ito ay problema ng seafarer o di kaya'y ng kanyang asawa, babae at lalaki.
Ang Tawag ng Buhay Mag-asawa
Ang Buhay Mag-asawa ay sadyang puno ng hamon. Ang mag-asawa nga na araw-araw ay nagkikita at nagkakaroon ng mga problema ukol sa damdamin ng pagkaulila at pagiging isa o loneliness. Lalo na siguro ang mga seafarer at ang kanyang asawa na minsan lamang sa isang taon kung magkita! Ito ay isang katotohanan na dapat harapin---- at tugunan sa akmang paraan.
Ang buhay mag-asawa na lumalago ay nakasalig sa ganap na pagbibigay ng sarili sa isa't isa. Ang ibig sabihin nito, sa pinakamalapit na relasyon ng pag-aasawa, nangangailangan ng pagbibigay ng iyong puso, diwa at katawan , at pagpapanatili ng buhay ang ugnayan sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Hindi natin maaaring hati-hatiin at sabihin na sa taong ito ko ibibigay ang 10% ng aking sarili at sa kanya naman ang 90%.
Sa pangmatagalan na pagtanaw, ang ganitong gawain ay kadalasang nakapagpapalayo sa mag-asawa. Minsan iniisip natin, mabuti na ang makipag-fling ako (o kaya ay siya) sa barko kaysa naman tuluyan na naming iwan ang isa't-isa. Subalit sa bawat desisyon natin na gawin ang mga fling na ito (a) may nababawas sa ating pagtingin sa ating commitment sa bawat isa, at (b) hindi natin natututunan ang mga kasanayan na dapat natin matutunan sa pagdala ng kalungkutan.
Ang halaga ng value clarification sa mag-asawa
Ang ugnayang mag-asawa ay maaaring patibayin o di kaya'y buwagin ng kalungkutan--- nasa atin na kung alin sa dalawa ang ating hahayaan na mangyari. Mahalaga na magtalaga ang mag-asawa ng panahon upang pag-usapan ano ang mga mahahalaga sa kanilang dalawa bago pa man magkahiwalay at ano ang kanilang inaasahan sa bawat isa. Ang ganitong pag-uusap ay isang paraan ng paglilinaw ng mga maaaring gawing tulong sa pagpapatibay ng pagsasama.
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