Maintaining Good Relationships with In-Laws: What Seafarer’s Wives Say

Last February 13, the Daungan team invited Sr. Aida Virtudez, SJBP and Sr. Lucita Saligumbe, SJBP of the Apostleship of the Sea, as well as Daungan volunteer counselor Celestina “Icel” Lee, to get their insights on the many concerns of the seafarers’ family. As perhaps expected, the subject of in-laws came up! In a way it may be supposed that the seafarer’s family may not be that different from regular folk after all. It seems everyone is destined to be plagued by our spouse’s families.

Seriously though, the OFW family is prone to discord between non-migrant spouses and in-laws. There is the sticky matter of the division of remittances; what percent should go to whom. There is the tendency towards gossiping; for some in-laws have been assigned (or have assigned themselves) as the “watchdog” of the spouse when the seafarer is away. There is the constant interference on many issues like child-rearing, financial management and even good behavior. All these are embedded in context of parents possibly still in the process of preparing to let their children go.

Through sharing of personal experiences, observations and reflections, the group was able to distill some gems of wisdom to start and even enrich relationships with in-laws. The follow are some of the principles they have found to be effective.

1. Develop the mindset that without my spouse’s parents, my spouse would not be, much less not have been a seafarer.

Everything starts with a good attitude towards our relationships. We owe a lot to our parents, they have provided us with all that we are and are our main source of love and care. They have sacrificed a lot for us.

As Filipinos, we value an unconditional respect and love for our elders. It is our pleasure to serve our elders. This respect need not even be earned, it is a given because of “blood”. It is a given because our parents gave us life and the gift of life cannot be measured.

As this is true with our own parents, it is as true with our spouses’ parents. Our spouses’ parents gave them life and care, without them our loved ones would not be. And if we argue about the fruits of our spouse as a seafarer, it is best to remind ourselves that without their sacrifice to send our spouse to school and provide for his education, he would not be a seafarer. This recognition helps us see things in perspective.

No parent is perfect, but generally, parents do try the best that they could to love their children in the way that they know how. Underneath behavior that we do not understand are often pure intentions to protect and care. Sometimes, they too, are in the period of learning and maybe even woundedness. It is best to always remind ourselves to have faith in our parents even if on the surface it doesn’t seem that our faith is warranted or reciprocated.

2. The seafarer should remit to the spouse and the spouse should be the one to remit to the in-laws

Battles between the spouse and the in-law are ultimately power struggles, particularly on who is the “queen of his life”. It is to be expected that once a person marries, his or her primary priority becomes his/her immediate family with family-of-origin second. But at the same time, there should be an active and healthy maintenance of ties to one’s parents despite matrimony. It is very difficult for a parent when he/she perceives that his child is no longer attached to him/her after marrying.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a parent that remits to his/her parents, especially if because of old age there is no alternative source of income. But this decision is no longer the seafarer’s alone, it is a joint decision that must be made by the couple. It is technically “their” money not just “his.” To avoid the seafarer’s spouse from feeling by-passed or unimportant, it is best that she has been consulted from the onset. It is courtesy to plan together, but more than that it is a way for the seafarer to involve his spouse in his values and family life.

It is advisable for seafarers to give the entire remittance to the spouse, and let the spouse be the one to give to her parents-in-law. This move achieves many things: it recognizes the role of the spouse as the rightful “budgeter” of the family, it promotes a healthy relationship between the in-laws and the spouse, it involves the wife in the spouse’s desire to serve his parents and it implicitly implies that all things that the spouse’s agreement in the move is an important part of the seafarer’s life.

3. Seafarer should also remit to his in-laws (spouse’s parents)

The amount is not issue. It may be small and only given occasionally, but if it is possible it is advisable that the seafarer should give to his in-laws. In relation to the previous suggestion, this practice may be symbolic of the seafarer on his wife’s family life.

4. If dependency is a potential issue, come up with an assistance to in-laws that is in kind rather than direct financial help

A success story that was shared in the group is about a couple whose assistance to their in-laws is not a cash remittance to their in-laws but rather in the form of building a bakery business. The business serves many purposes. When the seafarer is at sea, all proceeds from the bakery goes to the family-of-origin, adding to their source of income. When the seafarer comes home, the bakery is ran by the couple and a source of bonding for them.

Sometimes, an investment is better than direct financial assistance because it prevents one from feeling drained at the same time there is the provision for sustainability.

It also might help to find negotiate a way of assistance that has concrete termination point. For example, it may be pre-agreed upon that the assistance is the tuition support of a younger brother for only high school. Planning and pre-agreement is crucial.

Loneliness at Sea

by Kay

Life at sea can be lonely and extremely difficult; it means being separated from our loved ones and isolated from everything else for months. Homesickness, burn-out and even boredom are just the tip of the iceberg, for often there are also regrets for missing birthdays and graduations, guilt for the fact that your work prevents you from really knowing who your family is and sometimes even bitter resentment that after a while you have become less of yourself and more of just a mere breadwinner.

True, this is the life that we have chosen freely and that there is also a sense of family among fellow seafarers. But remember that it is normal to feel alone and sad sometimes, even when you are surrounded by many people.

There are many different ways to deal with loneliness at sea. Some distract themselves: working hard and harder so as not to attend to the loneliness, entertaining one's self with camaraderie and music, or thinking of the many creative ways one can spend free time on board. All of these are well and good, and with the amount of time spent at sea, it is good if a seafarer is aware of the moments of loneliness in him, and exert the effort to snap himself out of it.

But it is also good once in a while to accept the loneliness and sadness rather than be distracted by it. One need not wallow in these negative emotions, so much so that it affects one's work and relationships with other people, but there is a lot of merit to recognizing, acknowledging and accepting this loneliness.

A "lived" life doen not mean one no longer feels uncomfortable emotions. Instead living means being able to feel realistic emotions. That we get lonely and sad at sea only means that we are still people --- "tao pa tayo" --- and that we love our family and we miss them. If we try to repress these things we may become too hard on ourselves or too cynical.

A balance of two things can help us face loneliness better: (a) moments of solitude to recognize our feelings and (b) moments of reaching out to others.

Moments of Solitude:
It is okay to withdraw once in a while from others and just experience the loneliness. It is okay to cry too and be ourselves.

Solitude can offer us time for reflection on where we are right now and what is the meaning of our life experiences. By taking the moment to be alone with ourselves we can come to terms with the aspects of our situation that we need to change or mourn as loss. This solitude is not to torture oneself with what-could-have-been's , but rather to replenish our energy and be able to look at each day as a fresh start.

Solitude is also a means to get back into our spiritual life. Prayer is more than just conversation with God, it is being with God. It is being guided by His presence.

Moments of Reaching Out to Others:
It is helpful as well to have our fellow seafarers as our support group at sea. Moments of "real conversations" among peers can be a great help while at sea. Too often we talk about our problems in a joking manner or in a casual way. Too often too we do not develop the environment and atmosphere among our co-workers where we can relay that we are willing to listen in respectful silence.

But simple opportunities of being open to disclose one's self with our peers, without neccesarily feeling the need to solve each other's problems, can lift our burdens significantly.