Maintaining Good Relationships with In-Laws: What Seafarer’s Wives Say

Last February 13, the Daungan team invited Sr. Aida Virtudez, SJBP and Sr. Lucita Saligumbe, SJBP of the Apostleship of the Sea, as well as Daungan volunteer counselor Celestina “Icel” Lee, to get their insights on the many concerns of the seafarers’ family. As perhaps expected, the subject of in-laws came up! In a way it may be supposed that the seafarer’s family may not be that different from regular folk after all. It seems everyone is destined to be plagued by our spouse’s families.

Seriously though, the OFW family is prone to discord between non-migrant spouses and in-laws. There is the sticky matter of the division of remittances; what percent should go to whom. There is the tendency towards gossiping; for some in-laws have been assigned (or have assigned themselves) as the “watchdog” of the spouse when the seafarer is away. There is the constant interference on many issues like child-rearing, financial management and even good behavior. All these are embedded in context of parents possibly still in the process of preparing to let their children go.

Through sharing of personal experiences, observations and reflections, the group was able to distill some gems of wisdom to start and even enrich relationships with in-laws. The follow are some of the principles they have found to be effective.

1. Develop the mindset that without my spouse’s parents, my spouse would not be, much less not have been a seafarer.

Everything starts with a good attitude towards our relationships. We owe a lot to our parents, they have provided us with all that we are and are our main source of love and care. They have sacrificed a lot for us.

As Filipinos, we value an unconditional respect and love for our elders. It is our pleasure to serve our elders. This respect need not even be earned, it is a given because of “blood”. It is a given because our parents gave us life and the gift of life cannot be measured.

As this is true with our own parents, it is as true with our spouses’ parents. Our spouses’ parents gave them life and care, without them our loved ones would not be. And if we argue about the fruits of our spouse as a seafarer, it is best to remind ourselves that without their sacrifice to send our spouse to school and provide for his education, he would not be a seafarer. This recognition helps us see things in perspective.

No parent is perfect, but generally, parents do try the best that they could to love their children in the way that they know how. Underneath behavior that we do not understand are often pure intentions to protect and care. Sometimes, they too, are in the period of learning and maybe even woundedness. It is best to always remind ourselves to have faith in our parents even if on the surface it doesn’t seem that our faith is warranted or reciprocated.

2. The seafarer should remit to the spouse and the spouse should be the one to remit to the in-laws

Battles between the spouse and the in-law are ultimately power struggles, particularly on who is the “queen of his life”. It is to be expected that once a person marries, his or her primary priority becomes his/her immediate family with family-of-origin second. But at the same time, there should be an active and healthy maintenance of ties to one’s parents despite matrimony. It is very difficult for a parent when he/she perceives that his child is no longer attached to him/her after marrying.

There is nothing inherently wrong with a parent that remits to his/her parents, especially if because of old age there is no alternative source of income. But this decision is no longer the seafarer’s alone, it is a joint decision that must be made by the couple. It is technically “their” money not just “his.” To avoid the seafarer’s spouse from feeling by-passed or unimportant, it is best that she has been consulted from the onset. It is courtesy to plan together, but more than that it is a way for the seafarer to involve his spouse in his values and family life.

It is advisable for seafarers to give the entire remittance to the spouse, and let the spouse be the one to give to her parents-in-law. This move achieves many things: it recognizes the role of the spouse as the rightful “budgeter” of the family, it promotes a healthy relationship between the in-laws and the spouse, it involves the wife in the spouse’s desire to serve his parents and it implicitly implies that all things that the spouse’s agreement in the move is an important part of the seafarer’s life.

3. Seafarer should also remit to his in-laws (spouse’s parents)

The amount is not issue. It may be small and only given occasionally, but if it is possible it is advisable that the seafarer should give to his in-laws. In relation to the previous suggestion, this practice may be symbolic of the seafarer on his wife’s family life.

4. If dependency is a potential issue, come up with an assistance to in-laws that is in kind rather than direct financial help

A success story that was shared in the group is about a couple whose assistance to their in-laws is not a cash remittance to their in-laws but rather in the form of building a bakery business. The business serves many purposes. When the seafarer is at sea, all proceeds from the bakery goes to the family-of-origin, adding to their source of income. When the seafarer comes home, the bakery is ran by the couple and a source of bonding for them.

Sometimes, an investment is better than direct financial assistance because it prevents one from feeling drained at the same time there is the provision for sustainability.

It also might help to find negotiate a way of assistance that has concrete termination point. For example, it may be pre-agreed upon that the assistance is the tuition support of a younger brother for only high school. Planning and pre-agreement is crucial.

The parents, a child’s sanctuary

By: Merne S. Natividad

“…but ma’am, I want my mother’s hug more than the money she sends me from Chicago each month. I am having difficulty with my friends now and I miss my mama’s counsel…I think I am pregnant too…I miss my best friend. My dad is nowhere. I think he has a mistress…”

“…I got hooked on shabu a month after my father left for Qatar to work there ma’am. My grades are no better than an idiot’s. I don’t like going home because my mom is always shouting at my younger sisters. She’s alone raising us. I wish my father came home. We don’t really need money. We used to be happy. There’s always public school…”

These are some disclosures from the many college students whom I have counseled through the different difficulties they experienced as they tried to adjust to a life with an absentee parent.

It is sad that the payoff for working outside of the Philippines for a parent who only wants to give the best to his children brings more harm than good. I cannot utter more distinctly why I have said this. Every Filipino knows what this portrays. This is an unassailable fact.

In the beginning, there is excitement. A parent goes off to work in a more lucrative place. Earning in dollars is seen as the key to ensuring a bright and successful future for the children left at home. Visions of the future flashes through before one’s eye like painted caricatures depicting a “better life”. Children’s tuition paid-off, branded clothes and shoes, and the house looks exactly like the ones from real estate advertisements.

Everything is laid out very nicely and successfully. No need has ever been thwarted when a child has a dollar-earning parent. Tangible needs, that is. More money means more “meaning” to the family. More happiness. More fun. More. More. Of the good things.

However, as time passes the creeping loneliness sets in upon the child who is left behind. The price of leaving a family for better pay comes in a more insidious fashion. The first months are difficult because loneliness sets in. As a parent tries his best to swallow every lump of tearful longing to be home the child he has left behind has to displace his yearning for a parent’s physical presence. A child always finds sanctuary in a parent’s physical presence. Take out this refuge and you might as well cut the umbilical cord from a fetus in a mother’s womb.

The setback begins when the need to fill up the gaping hole left by the lost sanctuary starts to set in. More unconsciously than otherwise, the child left behind starts to find another sanctuary. Another gap-filling-in-the-hole situation comes along figuratively, a child who seeks security, which obviously, the money of a parent working abroad can never fill in.

In all these years however, not one of my college counselees have been ungrateful for what a parent working abroad has given them. They are aware of how difficult it can be for their parents to temporarily cut their ties with them. These counselees are very appreciative of this loving deed a parent does for them. And yet, they are emotionally restless. They are lonely. Having counseled numerous college kids over the years, it makes me terribly sad, that a child gets lost because a parent is physically absent.

But the question still lies suspended in the air. What does a child whose parent is working abroad really need from a parent? I cannot answer, as I am not a parent. Of one thing I am certain though. In all these times, I have repeatedly seen that a child’s greater need is parental affection and not material things. The happiest college students I have encountered are those who are intimate with their parents. Those who get regular hugs from by their sanctuary, their parents.

*Merne Natividad is from the Department of Psychology and Guidance of Xavier University-Ateneo de Cagayan

Tradisyon ng "Birthday Project"

ni Kay

Mahirap magdaos ng birthday celebration kung ang birthday celebrant ay wala sa ating piling!

Minsan natatapat ang birthday at iba pang okasyon tulad ng Father's/Mother's day o kaya ay mga anibersaryo ng ating kapamilyang seafarer, sa mga buwan kung kailan siya ay nasa dagat. Pero dahil sa tipikal na malambing ang mga Pilipino, maraming mga pamamaraan ang magagawa upang mapalalim ang mga okasyon na ito. Kung tutuusin, maaari pa ngang gawing oportunidad ang mga okasyon na ito upang magsimula ng isang malalim na tradisyon na magbubuklod sa mag-anak.

Iparamdam ang taos-pusong pagbati.

Sa simpleng paraan ng pagtawag sa kanila, maaari nating ipamalas ang ating pag-alala sa kanilang kaarawan. Maaari ring gamitin ang pagkakataon na ito upang sabihin ng bawat miyembro ng pamilya ang mga bagay na kanilang na-aappreciate sa may kaarawan. Halimbawa ay puwedeng gamitin ito ng mga anak upang maiparinig sa kanilang ama na sila ay nagpapasalamat sa kanyang pagtitiyaga na maghanapbuhay upang sila ay makapag-aral.

Maaari rin na gamitin ang okasyon upang imbitahin ang mga natatanging kaibigan ng inyong pamilya upang maraming pagbati ang ating maipabatid sa ating mahal sa buhay sa barko sa isang tawag. Ang ganitong gawain ay maaaring makabawas sa kalungkutan na kanyang nararamdaman at maging mas espesyal ang mensahe na kanyang maririnig.

Paggawa ng "Birthday Project."


Magandang tradisyon na umpisahan ng pamilya, lalo na habang bata pa ang mga anak, ay ang paggamit ng mga birthday ng seafarer upang panahon na gumawa ng isang proyekto kung saan magugunita ng buong pamilya ang nasa dagat. Ito ay makakatulong na maparamdam ang pagiging malapit ng pamilya sa isa't-isa.

Halimbawa ng proyekto ay paggawa ng "home-made" na card o streamer ng pagbati o di kaya ay pag-organisa ng simpleng presentation tulad ng sayaw o awit.

Bagamat simple lang ang mga bagay na ito, makakatulong ito na mapalalim ang ugnayan ng pamilya. Ito ay sa pamamagitan ng:

a. Ang tradisyon ng intensiyonal na pagsasantabi ng pamilya ng oras para sa seafarer bagamat wala siya ay makakatulong upang kahit sa emosyonal na larangan, buhay ang presensiya niya sa tahanan. Maganda itong tradisyon ng magbubuklod sa naiwang asawa at anak. Mayroon pang maaasahang surprise ang may birthday sa kaniyang pagbabalik na nakakataba ng puso lalo na kapag naiparamdam na personal ang pagbati at ang proyekto ay pinaghirapan.

b. Ang gawain din ng pag-brainstorm sa mga gustong proyektong gawin para sa nasa barko at pagkonsulta sa bawat isa ay tumutulong upang ang pangungulila ng naiwang pamilya ay maranasan ng sama-sama. Sadyang malungkot ang mawalay sa isa't-isa ngunit kung may pagdaramayan ang naiwang pamilya ito ay mababawasan. Maaaring gawing daan ang mga proyektong ito upang mapag-usapan ang mga pagka-miss ng bawat isa sa kanilang mahal sa buhay na seafarer.